I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
you traded sex for a burrito?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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