I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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