There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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