I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
