I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
