Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
