tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
