if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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