I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
