is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
