I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Randomize
