I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
