I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
