dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
