If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
