I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
