I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Dignity is for republicans.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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