omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
