do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
