i think i have two assholes
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
