I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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