So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
