awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
