3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
why do cheetos always look like penises
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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