I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
