what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
