went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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