I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
