I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
