Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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