chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
BRING THE BAGELS
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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