Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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