Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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