OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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