The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize