I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
