Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
