I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
