woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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