bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Randomize
