I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
