Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
