just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
