I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
