Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
