I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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