I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
