She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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