Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
