you didnt know i had herpes?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
