recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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