Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
