Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
