I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You're a waste of cheezeits
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
