I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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