Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Randomize
